The
human brain is much like a road map. Our behaviour is basically lots
of neurons firing away along a myriad of pathways. Some are narrow
country roads with loads of little paths going off in all directions,
those are the ones we don't use much. Others are littered with road
blocks and gaps, making it difficult to get from A to B in our mind
swiftly. Others are like 6-lane expressways, well trodden, paved and
broad and clear in purpose and design. Those are the ones we use the
most. Some of those express ways are good, they get regular
maintenance by us doing things on a daily basis, whether it's riding
a bike, brushing our teeth or doing things in our professional lives.
Some however are also well paved and maintained but we really don't
need that destination anymore. They are dysfunctional, taking us
somewhere we don't want to be, some place that makes us feel lousy
about ourselves. Yet it's like once we head down that direction
there's no exit, no detour possible, we're flying on, full throttle,
realising somewhere in the back of our heads (on another,
simultanious pathway, albeit a much smaller one), that we really
shouldn't be doing this. It's the kind of behaviour or thinking that
doesn't work for us, doesn't make us happy, basically doesn't get us
anywhere. Because when we slow down we realise we are about to hit a
very familiar dead end. Or a brick wall. Result either way is feeling
like crap once arrived at the destination.
So
what can we do about this? Good thing is, we got permanent road works
going on in that magnificent brain of ours. All the time new pathways
are being paved, new exits constructed, new destinations added. But
how can we prevent ourselves from zooming down our personal highway
to hell time and time again? Actually, realising that we are indeed
on the wrong expressway is the first step to start new roadworks.
Recently I realised after a good session with my therapist that one
of my expressways was a 8-lane track, which always led to thinking
bad about myself and about my own abilities. Nobody bid on my
paintings offered for auction? ZOOM! Enter audio tape in head: "They
hate my paintings. See, I'm a lousy painter. I suck. I'm no good."
But are those thoughts true? And are they helpful?
Well
as far as the first bit is concerned, I know I'm no Michelangelo. But
there's also a crisis going on. So it's very possible people just
spent less on the auction anyways. Or maybe there was just no one who
liked my style of painting. Doesn't mean my painting sucks, only
means they're not for everyone's liking. Helpful? Nah. Just makes me
feel bad about myself and forget about all the ones that díd sell.
So instead of zooming down that 8-laner thinking 'see, I suck', I
better look at alternative routes. Like the 'You can't always be
lucky' lane. Or 'Ah well it's a crisis out there, happens to
everyone' alley. Note, I'm not going down 'But I'm a genius they just
don't see that' road because I am 200% sure that one ends in a big
bucket full of shite. Don't want to end up there!
Looking
back, it all goes back to both being bullied as a child and having
had a mother who failed coping with losing her first child. I thought
that having good talks with some of my childhood bullies and having
that EMDR session with my late mother would put things like that on
the shelf where they belong, but brain infrastructure doesn't work
that way. I'm no longer angry at those who bullied me and I forgave
my mum, but the echoes of things that were said still linger. "You
are not one of us". "We don't want you on our team".
"Our oldest wouldn't have let me down like that". "You're
a disappointment". "All my efforts raising you were in
vain".
Somehow,
in some specific situations and especially when I'm already having a
bad day, those echoes tune up a notch and come to the forefront, and
on some days they just take over, blurting out all the positive
thoughts. Those days just suck, big time. Those days I feel like
utterly inadequate, a huge failure, and not belonging anywhere.
Heading straight for that brick wall (and usually ending up with a
splitting headache and my intestines in a knot afterwards).
It's
on days like those that I have to take up a wheelbarrow and a machete
and start hacking through all that negativity, shovelling all the
shite down the gutter where it belongs and claiming back my right to
be, my right to be fallible without being a total loser, my right to
enjoy myself, my right to love myself and feel loved. And on other
days as well, work to do! Getting a compliment or even giving myself
a thumbs up still feels strange, but I'm working on it. That 8-lane
monster now has some lanes closed, and there are exits in progress.
Some of those exits are just wee dirt roads, others are getting a
layer of gravel, and I'm working on getting them all paved, connected
and putting up another road block so I can't zoom down my own highway
to hell anymore in the future. And íf I go partly down there, there
will be a couple of detours making sure I see there are other ways.
Yep.
I got roadworks to do. It'll be messy, and there will be the usual
miscalculations and construction errors no doubt. But I'm getting
there. And if all else fails, I hug the dogs <3
