pretty vacant

Sometimes (actually, more often than not) my head is overflowing with thoughts. It's like being on one of those old-fashioned merry go rounds, the ones with horsies, carriages, fire engines, wee little planes, cars, motorcycles - and as a kid, I always had a hard time choosing which ride to take. Eventually I would end up opting for the horse - but as they seemed to be a favourite with many kids and raising the kid to be assertive was not on my parents' agenda, I often missed out and all the horsies were taken. Which meant I had to face the daunting task of making up my mind real quick and ending up in one of those daft round things with a big wheel in the middle that were just boring. 

Sometimes, my life feels like that merry go round. There are so many things I like, but many of them don't pay no bills or are beyond my physical capacities. I would have like to do sports, but having knees that buckle at the slightest impact I even had to give up running. The feeling while running was great, but after a few weeks I would invariably end up with at least one knee badly swollen, painful and rendering me nearly immobile for weeks at a stretch. 
As a kid, I dreamt of being a jockey. I read the whole series of Black Stallion books and even made enquiries at the only academy that trained professional jockeys in my country, only to find out that it was A. extremely expensive and without government funding, B. you were required to have a horse of your own and C. I was already out anyway since my 1.65 cm and 30+ kilos at the time were considered too big and too heavy for being a jockey. So unless I somehow would manage to ungrow myself into a 25 kilos midget, it was not an option anyway. Little did I know at the time of the abuse and horrors going on behind closed doors... I'd probably have bolted!

So what is up next? I tried my luck at arts and crafts, only to find out that my talent wasn't as great as my dear family tried to convince me of, and that there were no bills getting paid with my drawings. I still draw, and it still itches to put the little talents I have to some good use. Even as a student in the arts and crafts department, I loved history. I loved history even since primary school. So I ended up studying history, only to find that the things I loved to do - research, writing, organizing events - were exactly those that didn't yield any paid jobs, either - only lots of voluntary work. Which is excellent and a great experience but again, it didn't pay the rent. Fortunately one of my traineeships involved doing classes on racism at secondary schools, and all of a sudden a lightbulb was hovering over my head. I liked teaching, and I liked history, so why wouldn't I become a history teacher? With a big sense of Eureka! I enrolled in higher education to become a teacher. School started in september, and by december that same year I already landed my first job as a teacher. When I got my first paycheck, I did a whoopee and hit the town to indulge in a shopping spree - revelling the fact that I could actually spend money on new! clothes without having to worry about how to pay the bills! Over the next years, I got more jobs and even a contract. Then I had a personal crisis, turned my life upside down singlehandedly by giving up my relationship, my steady job and the house I had bought to move to Spain. 
That's when the shit hit the fan.

Just half a year after moving there I realised this was not going to work at so many levels, I called my cousin who had helped me moving there - in tears, and within a week everything was packed and I was back in the low countries. No house, no job, 5 big dogs - and two inches short of a burnout. Finding a job as a history teacher turned out to be almost impossible this end of the country, good thing there was also a linguistic interest in my in-head merry go round that had spurred me to get a degree as an English teacher as well, but it really wasn't were the heart was, as became more and more clear to me. More events led to the eventual breakdown, which was a burnout - and I found myself questioning virtually everything. The merry go round was spinning out of control, but somehow with a lot of help from loved ones and a very good psychotherapist I got back in da saddle, found a job as a history teacher, did my job well - hurray! - and found myself fired due to cutbacks and a distastrous drop in new pupils registering at that school. Pooof. And no vacancy for a history teacher in sight anywhere near... 


So here I am again, sitting in the middle of my merry go round. There's an opportunity in enhancing my prospects on the job market by studying to get a master in history, which I already started. There is the itch to make some extra - much needed - money with my drawings, and use a percentage for my favourite cause. There's the gnawing feeling that I'd be better off if I'd start something for myself, become selfemployed, if I don't find another job in teaching withing the next year. I utterly detest being on the dole, even though I know I am entitled to this government money since I have paid dearly for it ever since 1999 and before - I just hate being without a job. And I have no idea what else I could do if I wouldn't find a job as a teacher. 
Worst thing is, very likely the reason I'm not even invited for a job interview this part of the country is that the big organisation that runs 98% of the secondary schools here, knows that by law they are bound to give me a contract, having worked for them for more than 18 months. Unlike back in 1999, here getting a contract is nearly impossible. School boards prefer trainees, cheap and easy to ditch... I really need to work on growing that money tree! In the mean time, I will give it a try and get my head to be pretty vacant for a change.